How I survived a near fatal crash that not only changed the way I view life, but also myself.
It's been quite awhile since my last post and many things have happened that made me question whether or not I would even continue with this blog. I not only missed this forum in my life but the inspiration it has given my own life and hopefully some of yours. I have never gotten this personal here before but for me to continue and start again I must speak my truth and expose a little about me.
At the beginning of the summer I was hit head on by a man going the wrong way down the highway at 60 mph. I was then struck by another car from behind, then hit a wall. I was cut out of my vehicle and rushed to the hospital. I do not have any recollection of this happening. What I do remember is fading in and out of consciousness in the ICU as a tube was being sewn into my collapsed lung, looking down at my gaping open, bleeding arm and seeing my tendon move then blackness...nothing for quite awhile.
I woke up out of surgery. I had broken my left toe, crushed my right thigh; which later became a 2nd hospital stay for cellulitis, broke 3 ribs which punctured and collapsed my lung, my right arm looked like someone had taken a knife to it with huge open lacerations and glass embedded everywhere, there were about 35 staples and stitches holding me together. My left arm was crushed:the top of the ulna bone broken, the radius shattered and the joint that holds them together broke apart. I had reconstructive surgery with a plate, pins and 30 staples to save my wrist. My chest was black from the impact of the airbag, I had a long laceration across my chest, and glass on/in my neck and scalp....
but I was alive.
Recovery has been long and hard (and its not over) and has caused me to examine life, myself, the body, beauty, health, the universe and every particle floating around me at this very moment on a deeper and very realistic level. We are fragile beings. People have a tendency to believe that we are human bodies having a spiritual experience when in reality we are spirits having a human experience in a body. We are only passing thru. When I was faced with my own mortality I was forever changed, however, tho I may have been poised to re-prioritize my life, soak in my loved ones and be grateful for the second chance I was given I had my moments of self pity, self doubt, and even vanity out of trauma.
but I was alive.
Besides the immense pain and inability to move, there were things I never expected to affect me. I couldn't hold my daughter. My mother had to bathe and dress me. I couldn't shave any part of my body at all for weeks and weeks, I couldn't do my hair and had to wear bandannas, I couldn't even wear a bra for the longest time. Going out into public for follow up doctor's appointments was a humbling experience.
My left arm would never look the same, it would never match the right or look like the hand/arm I have always known. I didn't even know what had been done to it or how it looked for 6 weeks. I saw the x-rays first and was flabbergasted and when the post surgical cast came off for the first time in my surgeon's office I broke down and sobbed. I felt disfigured, mangled...I couldn't believe that it was truly my arm I was staring down at. The incision looked like a zipper with all the staples ripping straight thru my beloved wrist tattoos. When the staples came out of that incision I had another meltdown. That was not my arm!!
The trauma of what I felt was my disfigured arm was the biggest trigger in regards to my injuries. I never thought I would bend my wrist again, move my thumb even. It not only injured me but it bruised my vanity, at a certain point I had to tell myself that an altered (my word of choice) arm is so much better than no arm at all. I used to call it my bad or gnarly arm and now it is known as my bionic arm. I had a full on titanium plate as part of my bone forever now. Ironically, the hit song "Titanium" was big this summer and I took it on as my own personal anthem! I became fascinated that it was even possible to reconstruct my arm the way they did, I even had my surgeon doodle me what happened and what he had done in surgery (which he found quite amusing). If this had happened to me in another era I would've died and that was incredible.
As I write this I still have shards of glass embedded in my arm, and will someday get a half sleeve tattoo to honor my bionic arm and lay closure to any feelings of trauma. Your hardest moments can be your most solid ground to stand on because they cause you to grow, to expand. The body can achieve what the mind can perceive and scars are proof of life. It feels good to be coming back into my own and to share my voice with you all once again.
The trauma of what I felt was my disfigured arm was the biggest trigger in regards to my injuries. I never thought I would bend my wrist again, move my thumb even. It not only injured me but it bruised my vanity, at a certain point I had to tell myself that an altered (my word of choice) arm is so much better than no arm at all. I used to call it my bad or gnarly arm and now it is known as my bionic arm. I had a full on titanium plate as part of my bone forever now. Ironically, the hit song "Titanium" was big this summer and I took it on as my own personal anthem! I became fascinated that it was even possible to reconstruct my arm the way they did, I even had my surgeon doodle me what happened and what he had done in surgery (which he found quite amusing). If this had happened to me in another era I would've died and that was incredible.
The point is something that what I once saw as ugly and disfigured began to empower me-it became my strength in one of many proofs that I faced death and chose to fight my way back. My favorite scar is the keloid scar on the side of my ribs where the chest tube had been, it makes me feel like a warrior. It reminds me that life is fragile, but that I am stronger than I think and can overcome anything that does not kill me. It also reminds me that strength is sexy and beautiful is relative.
Find the beauty in your own imperfections and the exquisite in what you perceive as flaws.
Life is beauty-full and so are all of you!!
XoXo-Bombshell Beauty
My best friend has set up a website that I will link this to soon and if you'd like to help in anyway there is a pay-pal donation account where you can donate to help with my recovery.
My best friend has set up a website that I will link this to soon and if you'd like to help in anyway there is a pay-pal donation account where you can donate to help with my recovery.
